In 1897, Bram Stoker, a theatrical agent for the legendary stage
actor Sir Henry Irving, published a novel about a vampire called Dracula. The
novel would become as immortal as its title character. In 2004, writer/director
Steven Sommers would take Van Helsing, one of the major characters of Dracula
who served as the vampire's main adversary, and try to transform him into a
monster-battling superhero for the 21st century. And as a result of this, Van
Helsing the film has itself become immortal as well…but for all the wrong reasons.
In a word, it sucks. And that's not a vampire joke, either. Sommer's take on Van
Helsing is sort of a supernatural James Bond who is working as a monster killer
for the Vatican in the 1800s. After hunting down and killing Mr. Hyde in Paris,
Van Helsing reports back to Q Branch-which in this case are a bunch of monks and
other assorted holy men who are busy in the Vatican's basement cooking up new
and deadly weapons for Van Helsing to use. This scene, which comes early in the
film, plays exactly like a typical exchange with James Bond and his gadget master
Q, only it is neither as funny nor witty as what you would expect from the Bond
films. It also feels a little labored; instead of a fresh, revisionist look at
Van Helsing, we're treated to watching him going through the motions in a bad
imitation of another movie superhero. It's as if Sommers is telegraphing well in
advance to the audience that he does not have anything new to impart with us, so
don't expect much.
Van Helsing, who knows nothing about his past except that he was found badly
wounded on the steps of a church many years ago and taken in and trained by the
Vatican, is sent to Transylvania, where he is to aid the Valerious family in
their centuries old conflict with some dude named Dracula. This is not only the
first time Van Helsing has met Dracula, but also his first encounter with
vampires in general. And we must suffer through watching the character make the
expected "discoveries" (Place the stake in the heart! Vampires are allergic to
sunlight!) on how to fight the bloodsuckers that every five year old can recite
in his or her sleep by now. What makes it even worse is that the actor who plays
Dracula is about as charismatic as a pile of compost. The three women who serve
as his brides actually make far better, more threatening vampires than he does.
The gist of the plot centers on some mad scheme Dracula has involving the
Frankenstein monster in a special science project where Dracula uses the
monster's mojo to infuse his legions of vampire bat babies with eternal life
(hey, I'm just reporting what I see here, ok?).
These vampire bat babies are a result of Dracula making whoopee with his vampire
Brides (and who can really blame the guy? Those brides are real lookers--at
least when they're not transformed into big, ugly bat-broads). But the problem
is that the vampire bat babies have a nasty tendency to explode after a time,
hence the need for that magic mojo from the Frankenstein monster. But the major
problem I have with this scenario is this: the film shows that Dracula is
perfectly capable of creating additional vampires in the traditional way--biting
a human on the neck, draining their blood, wait a few hours and presto, you've
got another willing member of Team Transylvania. In fact, there's a sequence in
the film that reveals Dracula has an entire army of fellow vampires at his
disposal. If this is the case, then what the heck does Drac need these vampire
bat babies for? They are not very effective to begin with-nor are they very
scary. And when the main plotline of a film feels like it's a waste of time,
then so is the film itself.
The werewolf is reduced to being nothing more than Dracula's pet, just so the
film can boast at having the classic trio of Universal Horror monsters present,
and the Frankenstein monster comes off as a shrill weakling who whines more than
he is entitled to. One more thing I must mention, which is something that drove
me to laughter the moment I saw it is this: during a chase scene in the movie with a
stagecoach, the stagecoach crashes, and then it EXPLODES in a spectacular
fashion. A horse-drawn stagecoach, made entirely of wood and some metal, a
vehicle with no engine, nor the flammable fuel needed to propel it, is decimated
in a fiery inferno worthy of the H-Bomb tests back in the 1950s. This is a
perfect example of how Van Helsing is dominated by style over substance, and why
it suffers for it. Thankfully, the response to the film by the public has been
less than enthusiastic, which caused Universal's plans for sequels and a TV
spin-off to be cancelled. This just goes to show that just because you're making
a popcorn movie doesn't excuse you from treating your audience with intelligence.
The DVD has the usual "making of" features, along with a commentary from the
director and producer. It is available in both pan & scan and widescreen.--SF
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