One fine day in 10,000 B.C., a tribe of hunters known as the Yagahl come across
a young girl with blue eyes. The tribe’s Old Mother, who’s a real mystical type,
checks out the girl and receives a vision--the same men on four-legged demons
who attacked and decimated the girl’s tribe will one day come for the Yagahl.
The girl, who is named Evolet (Camilla Belle), is taken in by the hunters, who
hunt the mighty mannaks--better known to us today as the great wooly mammoths.
Years later, when the mammoths return, signaling the beginning of the hunting
season, a young warrior named D’leh (or, as I like to call him, Duh!) proves his
mettle by single-handedly taking down a mammoth bull.
This feat earns Duh...um, I mean...oh, to hell with it: let’s just call him Duh. Duh now has the honor of carrying the white spear, as well as Evolet’s hand in
marriage--or whatever passes for marriage in those days. Naturally, the bad guys
come and attack the village, taking a large portion of the population--including
Evolet--captive. And Duh,
who’s had to hand in his white spear, along with all the other perks, because
he wasn’t completely honest about how he took down that mammoth, now has to step
up and for on a quest--not for fire, but for his girlfriend. 10,000 B.C. reminds
me of one of those Discovery Channel shows--like Walking With Prehistoric
Wildebeests, or some nonsense like that--where they actually make up cute little
stories about the prehistoric critters, complete with names.
This time, though, it’s director Roland Emmerich who’s making up the cute little
story. And while we expect his movies to be goofy popcorn fun--just see
Independence Day, Stargate and the Godzilla remake as examples--10,000 B.C. is
just too uneven to get a handle on. It tries hard at first to be a gritty caveman
movie like Quest For Fire, until it abruptly changes gears and enters Jurassic
Park territory by having our heroes by chased by a flock of killer dodo
birds--and then it changes gears yet again by becoming a sword and sorcery
fantasy with people sprouting mystical mumbo-jumbo, with a highly improbable
ending that seems more suited for his Stargate film.
While I was tempted to give this turkey a one star rating, its CGI scenes of the
great pyramids of Egypt under construction (featuring wooly mammoths serving as
beasts of burden, no less) are pretty cool, and recommended for anybody with a
fascination for ancient Egyptian culture (and fans of wooly mammoths may enjoy
seeing them in action, too). But for anybody else, beware: the film drags in the
middle, and it’s very predictable and derivative of Stargate--especially in its
last thirty minutes. If you’re looking for a great action/adventure film with a
lost civilization twist, see Apocalypto instead, which may not have been
historically accurate, either. But it’s still a much better film.
--SF
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