One fine night in the pre-historic world, Kull (Kevin Sorbo)
tries out for the army of General Taligaro of the kingdom of Valusia. Kull
passes all of the standard tests, which basically require him battling his way
through the other applicants, which Kull does with aplomb. General Taligaro,
taking note of the new guy’s enthusiasm, decides to give Kull one final test--a
blindfolded battle in the pond with flaming swords (sounds like an act you’d see
at Vegas). Kull, despite fighting the good fight, is bested in this battle. But
the good general is called back to the Valusian palace with urgent haste when he
hears that the good King as decided to kill off all of his children (these
royals were so bratty back then, weren't they?).
Since he has nothing better to do, Kull goes back to the palace with Taligaro.
For some reason Kull gets into a fight with the king, and kills him--yet the
king lives long enough to proclaim Kull the new ruler of Valusia. Kull takes to
the throne like a fish to water, but he’s unaware of the various political
machinations that are swirling around him. After an assassination attempt on
Kull fails, General Taligaro enters into a plot with several others to overthrow
Kull by the use of a 3000 year old demon (Tia Carrere, who looks mighty good for
someone who’s been alive for three millennia). Her plot against Kull is devious,
insidious and just plain foul…yes, you guessed right, she plans to marry him!
Gasp! The horror!
Produced by one of the producers of Conan The Barbarian, starring the star of
TV’s Hercules, and based on a character created by fantasy grandmaster Robert E.
Howard, you would think that Kull The Conqueror just couldn’t miss. Oh, but it
did--by a mile, at least. For one thing, Kevin Sorbo has all the on-screen
magnetism of something growing in a Petri dish. He’s so bland, that he puts you
to sleep just by looking at him (which brings up one good use for this film--it
helps insomniacs to fall asleep). The story is also pretty lame, and has more in
common with an insipid episode of Sorbo’s Hercules than it does with the epic,
imaginative adventures that Howard wrote. And any sword and sorcery movie that
uses bad heavy metal music as its main theme is just setting the wrong tone
right off the bat. Avoid this one like the plague.
--SF
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