Soldiers know when a bomb is coming. They hear the distant blast
of artillery, or the whistle of a shell hurling through the air, and they
instinctively know to take cover. The same can be said for movie lovers. We can
sense a bomb is on the way even before Hollywood makes it. Case in point:
Catwoman. When they first announced that Halle Berry would be starring in a new
version of Catwoman, I was a bit leery. Not because of Berry, who I think is one
of the best actresses working in films today (her marvelous performance in
Monster's Ball, in which she won a much-deserved Oscar, should be enough to
quell any doubt as to her acting abilities), but because of the direction that
the filmmakers were going. When they announced that they were ditching the
entire Selina Kyle storyline that Batman fans have known and loved for decades,
I knew--I just knew--that Catwoman was a major bomb in the making.
Instead of Kyle, Berry plays Patience Phillips, who works for an evil cosmetic
company (is there any other kind?) run by that snarling bitch queen Sharon Stone
(who is really evil because she's over 40, I think). Stone is putting out a new
line of skin cream that causes addiction, and eventual horrifying, agonizing
deformity (by the way, where's the Food & Drug Administration during all of
this? Out on vacation?). Patience, who works in the art department, is
delivering reworked advertising artwork to her bosses, when she accidentally
overhears their nefarious plans to market this poison in a bottle to women all
over the world. And so they send their cosmetic company assassins (???) after
Patience, and they kill her by flushing her out a pipe with several thousand
gallons of water.
But fear not, for Patience is brought back to life by a magical pussy…um, cat by
the name of Midnight. This ancient Egyptian feline transforms Patience from a
meek little doormat into the wardrobe-challenged Catwoman! Oh, yeah, I forgot to
mention that freaking silly costume didn't I? As if this film couldn't be bad
enough, the costume designer decides to dress Catwoman in one of the most
ridiculous-looking outfits ever seen in a superhero film. Make no mistake, Berry
is a gorgeous woman who wears a scant outfit very well, but her Catwoman costume
is so lame that it makes you go "HUH?" For one thing, the cat mask is too
awkward looking; it makes her head look far bigger than it is, and the ripped up
leather garments give her outfit the gauche feeling of being unfinished (I guess
the town she lives in doesn't ever get cold, huh? Come to think of it, the movie
never really makes it clear WHERE all this nonsense takes place).
Flat, lifeless, and hopelessly dopey, Catwoman moves at a tedious, predictable
pace all the way towards the inevitable catfight scene between the two main
female characters. The extras on the DVD include an entertaining documentary
called "The Many Faces Of Catwoman", which is hosted by the sublime Eartha Kitt,
who played Catwoman during the legendary 1960s Batman TV series. The doc looks
at the various incarnations of Catwoman, starting with her debut in the comics, through
the Adam West TV series, The Batman Animated series and Batman Returns, leading
right up to the present day film. It's filled with interviews from the actresses
who have played Catwoman over the years. And comic book legends Alex Ross and
Joseph Loeb, among others, also weigh in on what makes this character so enduring. There's also the standard "making
of" featurette, along with deleted scenes (including one very good sequence
where a newly revived Patience uses her cat powers to outrun a pack of dogs in a
junkyard), and trailers for the film. There is no audio commentary whatsoever.
For the record, I am still a big fan of Halle Berry, and I eagerly await her
next project--however, for the sake of her career, I hope that in the future,
she avoids working with directors who only have one name. --SF
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